moving on

i shouldn't be so emotional about this.  but i am. 

i am officially pulling the boys from their daycare center, and signed them up at a home daycare.  and while i am ecstatic about our new "home away from home," i am left heartbroken about the lack of genuineness with our center.

see, nothing happened at the center.  there is not one single incident that made me switch daycares.  it's an accumulation of many small things, though.   

mainly, i have never been in love with them.  only comfortable.  i know have high expectations, but i have always felt like i have just settled.  do they provide great care?  yes.  do my boys enjoy going there?  yes.  have i ever worried about their safety?  not one bit.  so, it's never been about the formalities of a daycare center. 

however, it is about being treated with genuine care as a parent.  i've been in customer service for over ten years, so i know what good service looks and most importantly, feels like.  that is where i am having a hard time.  when i go into the office, i want to be called by my name and i want you to look me in the eye when i have a concern about my child.  i don't want to be poo-pooed like i have been in the past.  as a parent, i want you to go above and beyond to make me feel like my boys are getting the best care in town and that they are loved. 

so, when i went in to submit in writing our two week notice, one of the assistant directors gave me a lack-luster "aww", a blank sheet of paper, and a blank stare.  not one question of why we're leaving, not a "we'll miss your boys," not a single word. 

i cried all the way home.  i cried making supper.  i cried calling aaron. 

like i said, i know i shouldn't be this emotional.  BUT, that cold shoulder feeling that i got made me feel as if the last 2.5 years that my boys have been going here meant nothing to them.  that when i dropped my heart off that very first day at 8 weeks, and then every single work day after that, it was another paycheck they were collecting, not another heart they were taking in; my heart.  its a slap in my face.

i know they are a business.  but there is a difference in being a business and feeling like a business.  it just confirms that i'm making the right decision.  i've tried and tried to love our daycare.  and time and time again, i have just wound up heartbroken.  {like the time they didn't bother to make a mother's day card or when they made me get a doctor's note for cloth diapers or when i was told i had the longest run of incident reports for biting: 11 within 14 days...and that child is STILL in my son's room.}   

i am going to miss a lot of the faces there, and i know the boys will.  but i am excited to finally have consistency in care with a familiar face that i found was lacking at a center.  too many shifts and too much turnaround.  plus, if it wasn't for the center, i wouldn't have found two of my greatest friends, maggie and maria.  they made my transition from full-time mom to full-time working mom bearable.  and most importantly {at the time}, they taught me how to swaddle! 

so, we are moving on.  the boys are going to love their new daycare, and james didn't want to leave last night after we signed the new contract.  my heart was heavy leaving them at the center this morning, but i need to remember that it's their loss, not ours.  i'm doing what i can for my boys and myself.  a new chapter starts soon, and i'm hopeful for a turn for the better.

and finally a picture of my sweets.  because they make this whole working-mom-heartache-thing worth it.

hazed

well, we are officially east siders.  no key to the city, no fireworks, no welcome wagon.  i will dare to conclude that the city of egf doesn't really care that the vigs are here to stay.  {pshhh!}

and with that, we have officially been introduced to egf's snottiness.  i mean, we always knew they were snotty, but last night, it slapped us {me} in the face.

as the new neighbor on the block, we want to put forth our best foot, right? however, it's like a 'one-upper' on mowing.  just when you think you're in the clear, the neighbor goes out and makes you look all bad, and then the domino effect comes into play and everyone has to mow their lawn. 

however, they haven't met the vigs.  {sigh}.  aaron has his own agenda with the yard.  as in, let's wait until it looks like a hayfield to mow.  and then lets mow it with the old crappy mower with uneven blades to make it look like shit.  and it'll be ok because it's mowed, right? 

and so when you mow a hayfield, you gotta get the bailer out.  or in our case, rake that shit up so it at least looks like you're attempting to fit in and make the neighborhood look decent.  but that poses a problem when you don't have a rake.  and you're not gonna just run over to the neighbors who stay on top of their lawn and ask for a rake...especially at 9 o'clock at night because naturally your husband decides that right after the boys' bedtime is a perfect time to mow.

so aaron digs through the garage.  and bless our old farmer who sold us our house, as he left some mighty good gems for us.  {console tv with the world's biggest universal remote, ancient push lawn mower, and bejeweled pheasant art}  and what does aaron come up with?  a rusty old HAY RAKE.  of course.  now i'm glad its 9pm so nobody can see me trying to rake my front lawn with this damn thing.  if we didn't look like hicks with our hayfield, we do now.

anyways, moving on to disposing of our grass clippings.  i thought i'd be proactive and just get it done with so i drive over to the city's disposal area.  but i missed the turn and had to take the scenic route back to pull in, only to realize that it's locked.  LOCKED.  as in, you need a special badge to scan and let you in.  wtf?  who keeps their grass clipping disposal area under lock and key?!  and furthermore, who the hell is going to break in and steal it?!

of course i'm horrified, and to make things worse, it's a one-way in and one-way out kind of area.  so as i'm backing out onto major traffic {major for egf}, two vehicles are trying to get in.  now, not only do i look like an idiot, but others are witnessing it.  and what's worse, is that i still have my nd license plates, so to the snotty east siders, it looked as if i was trying to bring my nd grass clippings into their precious locked up grass clipping disposal area.  that's probably why they locked it, to keep the nd riff-raff out!

so i have been hazed.  by the city of egf.  and they're laughing, because when you sign up for garbage and water, they don't tell you all that you need to know.  they wait for you to learn the hard way and then they laugh as you look like a dumbass backing out of the one-way.

but i'll show them.  i'll drive across the river and dump my clippings in the unlocked, unmanned, totally accessible gf disposal.  snotty egf, i'm totally not paying for access to your precious disposal site.  i'll learn to be snotty in other ways.



see?  i'm not even kidding.  hicks.

 

disclaimer: i don't mean to offend any east siders.  however, you know you're snotty.  just admit it.  we want to be identified as our own town, not with gf.  i get it.  i will be too.  just not over this rediculous aspect.

this & that

i owe an explanation.  i've been absent for quite awhile, and there is a perfectly good reason for it.

we've been busy!  spring has proven to be chalk full of excitement and love.  my brother and his family were home for a week visiting.  picnics outside with my boys.  walks to the park.  playing at grammy's.  playdates with little friends.  plus a mama vacation in the cities to spend much needed quality time with my sorority sisters.  nothing refuels the soul like belly laughs and beer, shopping, and rubbing baby bellies!

but, something in particular has taken most of my time, energy, and thought consumption.

we bought a house.  well...we're closing on it today.  {so it's practically official, right?}

and?  it is perfect.  it has everything we wanted on our wishlist.  even aaron is excited, and for a guy who doesn't show much emotion, he is excited.  he hugged me a bit tighter this morning.  knowing full well that today is the day.

it's been a long road, with some ups and downs.  but what journey doesn't have those?  we {and when i say we, i mean me} have been purging, packing, and living among boxes.  waiting for reality to set in, that this is actually happening.   

we are so excited to make this house our home.  remodeling is planned.  the pinterest boards are chalk full of ideas.  furniture is being ordered. 

but besides the fact that we have a full size kitchen, a backyard to play in, and all sorts of natural light peeking in through our windows, do you want to know the best part?  that there are two little boys who can't wait to move into our "new red house".  neither of the boys wanted to leave from the walk-through last night.  between the running in the backyard, jumping from the steps in our sunken livingroom, and picking out his room, james asked if we could stay so we could have a picnic there. {que heart swelling here}

we are so ready.  the next step in our adventure begins. 

great before. great after.

it's no secret that both of my boys wore helmets.  both of their little heads grew in width, but lacked growing in length.  there are a number of reasons why their heads didn't shape as 'normally' as they should; familial gene, laying transverse in my belly, long labors & fast deliveries, not enough tummy time, or all of the above.  but thanks to Altru Health System and their team of specialists, we were able to correct their little noggins before a problem ever arose.

a few months back i taped a segment for my Altru Moment.  yesterday, it finally launched.  please take the time to learn a bit more about my experiences with james and his helmet.

{side bar: you may already know this, but this is the first time i've ever really watched myself on camera trying to be serious, and i have quite the facial expressions.  yikes.  note to self: work on that pirate eye.}

this is my Altru Moment. 

his sweet, gentle heart.

i want to remember this night forever.  the night that i saw my sweet james' heart open wide.  the night that i knew we were doing something right raising him.

as of late, james has been two.  and i mean all of two.  and sometimes its hard to remember the funny, good times through all the tears.  {and believe me, it's not just him in tears.}

but on tuesday night, as james and i were rocking in his room together, i asked him if he wanted to say his prayers together.  and in his sweet, little voice he said, "yes, mommy."

so we start with our usuals.  God bless mommy.  God bless daddy.  God bless james.   and God bless drew.   

then i asked if there was anybody else we should pray for.  and he immediately says, "maggie!  and ria!".  see, maggie and maria are dear friends of ours who were his baby teachers at daycare, and are now drew's.  to say we are great friends is an understatement. 

i then again ask james if there was anybody else we should pray for.  then through the dark, he turns and looks at me and asks, "christian?" 

christian is maria's little boy, who is about a month older than drew.  james calls christian his little buddy.  and you better believe that everytime he sees maria, he asks right away where christian is.  james always has christian's back.

{que heart melting.}

so we finish our prayers with the sign of the cross, james' favorite part.  and he's getting quite good at it, too.  we always have a good exuberant aaaaaaaa-MEN at the end, too!  but that wasn't good enough. 

james wanted to do it all again. 

"me do it.  me do it myself."

and so he did.  everyone got doubly blessed tuesday night. 

my sweet boy, with his ever gentle heart.

stripes and polka dots

my heart is overflowing today.  as in, Drew's party was everything i wanted it to be for him.  i know he won't remember it, but one day he will look back at pictures and see that we celebrated his {unofficial} birthday with close friends and family and he will see the smile on his face and know in his heart that it was a fantastic day.

although i got a bit worked up with my never failing late husband, i was able to decorate and still be present, just the way i wanted.  i was able to see Drew plow around everyone and laugh.  i was able to hear James laugh and giggle as his cousins swarmed around him.  i was in awe at the friends and family that came to show their love for Drew.  its moments like his party that will be forever ingrained in my heart. 



stripes and polka dots

 

my boys just being themselves.
nose pickers, going in two different directions at warp speed.

we had seven present helpers...under the age of five.
 

party animal.
{and a birthday shirt made with love by mama<3}

and at the end of the day, this smile is all i needed to see.  it sums up his party and day beautifully.  my happy, loved, blessed boy.



all smiles.

drew | one

where do i even begin?  my baby is one.  {unofficially, of course.}

party prep was in full blown mode last night, and i'm excited for tonight.  happy joe's isn't gonna know what's hit them!  what better way to celebrate with close family and friends and seven under the age of five?  a party not in my home, but rather at the local pizza joint, that's what!

again, the word bittersweet comes to mind.  i am so excited for what is to come, but sad that we're leaving the baby days behind us.  i know, i know.  he's still my baby, and i should've been prepared for this as drew has been a monster from the beginning.  i mean, don't all one year olds tackle two year olds on a regular basis?  no?  that's just my kid?  hmmm, imagine that.

without further ado, here is a little recap on my drewbear.  my baby.

drew-

you are {unofficially} one.  we made it.  not only did we survive as a family of four, but i think we came out the other side fairly unscathed.  that's not to say we didn't have our ups and downs along the way {your helmet, the black plague flu...twice, brotherly love, pink eye, new traditions, and everyday giggles}, but let's chalk it up to making it memorable.  i absolutely adore seeing you interact with james, it honestly is one of the best parts about being your mama.  i am excited to see how your bond grows and strengthens in the many years to come.

stats: n/a.  but we have your appointment tomorrow, so i'm excited to see how much you've grown!  as a reference, you are in 2T clothes and size 6 shoes, so let's just chalk it up as you're a monster.
foods: you will inhale almost anything.  you're a man that's good with a fork and knife as grammy would say :) we're feverishly trying to get you onto whole milk and sippys, but let's face it, you like your snuggle time with a bottle, and who am i to complain?  {except for the price of formula...mama will complain about that obsceneness!}
sleeping: all through the night since 10 weeks!  you are easy to put down at night and i thank you dearly for it!  you definitely love your sleep like your daddy, and i don't blame you.  you're constantly growing!
milestones: you are a walking machine now, and just learned how to stand up without needing to be next to something.  you blow kisses and even make the smacking sound, which melts my heart. 
favorites: your blankie. belly tickles.  mama snuggles.  bath time with james.  well, anything with james. 
new things: breaking through your molars.  {although you're a better teether than james, mama is still not impressed.} 
personality: laid back like daddy.  social like mama.  so expressive.  completely vain and you love to look at yourself in the mirror.  {but, hey, i don't blame you.  if i were half as cute as you, i would do it constantly, too!}  you remind me so much like your uncle mark, it's not even funny.  even more so than james.  your mannerisms, facial expressions, and loveable/squishy/adorable self reminds me of him every day.  one more thing i love about you :)

drewbear, you are the most fun, sweetest, BUSIEST little man that i know.  we made it.  i don't know how, but we did.  i am nervous excited to see what warp speed has in store for us in this next year.  but today, i'm going to revel in the bittersweet memories of the past year and especially today. 

i love you, little buddy.

love, your mama

my how we have grown.



reminiscing

one year ago today i was patiently waiting for signs that my drewbear was to come.   i had early contractions, just as i did with james, but nothing definitive.  i was bigger than a house {with the double chin to prove it}, had a baby already at home {although he was going on 18 months}, and was so supremely nervous to bring another home. 

39 weeks

it was about this time that in my hormonal state that aaron came home to me sobbing on the couch with a sleeping james in my non-existent lap.  when he asked me what was wrong, my word vomit came out something like, "i'm an awful person.  i don't want to screw up our perfect family of three!"  aaron calmly reassured me that although we have such a good thing now, something even better was about to happen to our perfect family.  i don't know if husbands really do get it, or it seems like it because pregnant women are hormonal, exhausted, delirious with anticipation.  either way, i was grateful for those sweet words out of his mouth.  he has a way of melting fears away.

even with his reassurance, i {crazy, of course} didn't realize the awesome miracle that was about to happen to our family.

late night snuggles with my only boy. 
waiting for our new brother to arrive!

God chose us.  He chose us to raise two completely unique, spunky, and wonderfully made boys.  little did i know that a week later, on his due date, our lives would change for the better.  we didn't screw up our family, but we gave james the greatest gift we could ever give him.  a brother.

as i reminisce about the next week, counting down the days until our little man turns one, i will be forever humbled at how incredible james took to being a big brother.  i look back through all of my pictures and how this part was made for him.  God knew, He always does. 


He knew what He was doing.
Photo courtesy of Melissa Dale Photography

milestones

well, something new and exciting happened at our house over the weekend.  and no, it wasn't james coloring in drew's baby book.  nor was it the hunt for a new winter hat amongst the spring lines in all the stores, since james decided to throw his out while shopping in target.

we have a new walker! 

yep, drewbear took his first steps this weekend, and aaron and i both witnessed it!  three steps, to be exact.  we have been practicing walking with holding only one hand, and we knew it was only a matter of time.  even james was jumping up and down excited, so you know it was a big deal to everyone in the house!

another milestone surpassed.  and in less than a month, we will be reaching another.  an {unofficial} first birthday. 

{be still, my heart.}

birthday presents already purchased.  cake pops already practiced.  invites already made.  this mama feels like she is ready for this party, but only in a planning sense.  not in the mental state, as i am in heavy denial. 

like heavy, heavy, heavy denial. 

so i am going to bask in the next 24 days that i have left to call drew a baby.  yes, i know he will always be my baby, but he is on the cusp of toddlerhood status now.  i should've been a bit more prepared with this, as he's looked like a toddler since, you know, 6 months.  but, i digress.

february is bright, and full of milestones!  the best is yet to come, right?  and for your viewing pleasure, the vigness boys:

james requested to take a "pic-ture wish dwoo".  so sweet!

soon.

you don't truly know how small four walls of your house can be until you're stuck inside of it with sick littles.  add in negative {as in below zero} wind chills, and two babies under two?  yeah, not happening. 

we have had the influenza twice.  TWICE.  add colds, snot, coughs, and lingering fevers on top of that.  to say we're going stir crazy is a bit of an understatement.

nothing makes you want a space of your own like being trapped in a tiny apartment with two snotty, hacking, whiney babies.  i know i have talked about my dream for a house on here before, but the want has become severe.  as in, always-on-my-mind-obsessed, severe.  and to top it off, the housing market around here SUCKS.  there is just not a lot for sale.  and what's worse?  we're not quite ready to buy.  so it's my heart against my head.  my head knows better than to scour craigslist and property sites.  but my heart yearns for a place to decorate. to call mine.

aaron tells me soon.

soon.  what the hell does that mean??  that's something people say to avoid confrontation.  it's like being pregnant and giving a due date, even though everybody knows that actual date is crap. 

soon.  psh.

that's what aaron told me when i asked him to marry me every day for two months straight.  really?  you know how impatient this girl is.  why make me wait?  soon, my ass.  to put it in perspective, he made me wait eight years to get married.  granted, we started dating at 15, but still.  you would think that he'd know me well enough that patience is most definitely not a strong trait of mine.

{sigh.} we will get there.  just as we will all start feeling better.  and i hate to wish the time away, as these two littles need me present, and i promised myself i would be.  but that doesn't stop my heart for wanting more.  knowing that its right within reach, i just need the word from aaron and my pinterest boards will light up with decorating ideas.  {insert images of clark griswald's house and his excitement.  totally that girl.}   

one day.  i just need my heart and mind to get in sync with each other and get me through to that day.

one day soon.

bittersweet.

i miss him.  a lot.

as aaron, the boys, and i drove back home from letting our paper latern with two small handprints go to heaven to him, i told aaron that it honestly feels like it happened last year.  partially because i don't feel as if i'm 28.  but mostly because i can still see his smile, hear his laugh, and i'm in denial that its been nine years since those things actually happened.

they say time heals all things.  it doesn't.

however, time does have a way of making you remember the good things.  it overshadows the not-so-good things.  but honestly, time doesn't heal a damn thing.  the ache is always there.  it's even worse when there is a day to remind you that its there.

and to twist the heartache even more, is that you know the ache is there, but the whole world doesn't.  the world doesn't stop turning.  people don't stop living their normal lives.  and as much as you want everyone to stop what they're doing and remember, they don't.  they either don't know, or they forget.  but it's a very present thing in my life.  a dull ache in my heart that is usually full of joy, love, and hope most days.  

you never know when it's going to hit, either, those triggers.  you know the ones...the ones that make you laugh so hard you cry.  the ones where your heart swells from the happy memories.  and even the ones that make you stop you in your tracks, where you look for that peice of him, that memory.

and the dreams?  oh, so bittersweet.  seeing his face again.  but a harsh reminder of reality.  God knows right when i need that reminder, though.  when i tend to think that i'm forgetting, He knows how to remind me.  and i am eternally thankful for that.

a.a. milne had great insight:
'how lucky am i to have had something {so special} that makes saying goodbye to hard.'

so true. 

whispers & love

at the end of the day, all that is left is love.

my heart is broken.  the events that transpired friday in connecticut, in sandy hook elementary, those precious lives.

i, like so many others, clung so dearly to my boys all weekend.  wept tears for the families who got that unbearable news.  tears for those mamas and daddys who are trying to make sense of this brutal act.  tears for those siblings who are trying to comprehend why a peice of them is missing.  because believe me, i've been that sibling.

i shut off the news friday.  i refused to watch or listen or comprehend anything that was going on.  not because i didn't care.  but because i was reeling as a mama myself.  i whispered all of their names over and over, because young or old, each of them have a mama.  and as a mama, i would want someone to continually whisper my boys' names, too.

at the end of the day, all that is left is love.  even through the tragedy, i know CT and everyone affected can feel the love that the nation is pouring.  primarily because we are just as numb as them, because we don't know what else to do besides love. 

as we move forward with our week, may we remember that 26 families' worlds are at a standstill.  they are going through the motions, but not living.  and they may not for awhile. 

continue to whisper their names.  each mama will hear and feel it.  they will know their baby was so incredibly loved, even if we had never met them. 

at the end of the day, all that is left is love.

tiny terrorists.

remember when i was all lovey dovey and professed my love of james being 23 months?  yeah, me too.

well, it was certainly short lived. 

i have now fully embraced what they call are the terrible twos.  and that is totally misleading.  terrible is a misnomer, actually.  it's not terrible.  it's more like terrifying.  torturous.  tantrumy.  a more accurate description is terroristic twos.  as in, who is this tiny terrorist and where did my sweet baby go?

allow for me to share a few revelations from this past weekend of holy terror.  the no napping, tantrumy, ohmygawdkillmenow whiny weekend. 

1. i firmly believe two year olds are on the bipolar spectrum.  seriously.  happy, sad, crying, smart-alecky, whiny, sweet, and snotty all rolled into 2 minutes.  repeat that for 14 long hours of the day.  i'd dare to say he is worse than a pregnant woman. 

2. i now know why mommys drink wine.  refer to #1 for explanation.

now, in all reality, our weekend wasn't so horrible.  we did some crafts, like putting up james' new felt christmas tree.  {thank you pinterest!}  james was a fan for about 3.5 seconds.  i had this great project envisioned, which turned into him crying and having a fit because he didn't want me to touch his "ris-mas".  now he has it decorated just right and shows people his "ris-mas", but he won't touch it again and will freakout if you go near it.  which stinks because it's on the wall by the door, which drew's car seat sits.  sigh.  you win some, you lose some.


mom also came for coffee and shopping.  james loves that, as do i.  nothing like getting spoiled than grandma coming to town.  plus, it was music class day, and everyone had a blast.  and i got the cleaning and most of the endless supply of laundry that always accumulates.  it's the small victories, folks.

 

let's just say, daycare was a sight for sore eyes this morning.  poor toddler room.  they have to deal with 6 of these tiny terrors.  all at the same time.  and they're not even their kids, so it's not like they can yell like mom's are allowed to do.  bless their hearts, because i know i couldn't do it. 

oh james, we're in for a wild ride together.  and just think, they say three is even worse.  

as you say in the car, "ho-ed on, oh-nee!"  {translation: hold on, ernie!}

happy monday, all!

being present

so, i know i slack on the blogging front. 

and when i think i have time to sit down and write, i just...don't.

we've been busy.  halloween came and went.  and although you've already seen everyone's adorable photos of their kids, a few weeks later, you are going to finally see mine!

october was fun.  we did the family pumpkin patch, took family photos, and trick or treated together.  family time rocks.  halloween included the most adorable figherfighter EVER, and a VERY ferocious lion.  i even made a mental note to be fully present.  not just there, but really there. 

i put the camera down.  i enjoyed the night.  yes, i totally took pictures, and i so desperately wanted to have pictures of them together, but i decided to snap the few monumental pictures and put the camera down. 

i was able to watch and see the excitement on james' face when he realized people were giving him treats.  just for being adorable.  drew really didn't want much to do with his {much too small, but much too adorable not to buy} lion costume.  {sorry kid, halloween at your age is more for your mama anyway!}  at the end of the night, my heart was full.  i was present.  and although james may not remember that, i sure will.

------

as sad as it seems, this morning was the first day that i really felt as if i have two kids.  i mean, it took all of 9 months, however, it didn't really sink in because we were just trying to keep afloat.  two under two is hard.  especially when you have a daddy who works a lot.  but at the same time, two under two is so incredibly awesome. 

i woke up early this morning {read: 5:00am}, and just laid in bed.  i heard drew stirring, but i silently ran through my busy day ahead, thinking he would roll over and go back to sleep.  then i heard him coo as i rolled over to look at him in his crib, and he let out the most heartfelt squeel, as if it's been days since he's seen me.

well, it's not like 5:00am is prime togetherness time, but something inside me said that i needed this.  i picked him up and out to the couch we went, laying in the dark.  that's when it hit me.  full of sleepy smiles, my drewbear snuggled up to me and gave me that much needed one on one time with him.  i was able to, again, be fully present.  not breaking him and james apart, while both cry.  not frantically making supper.  not juggling two kids, groceries, and diapers up the stairs. 

i was able to see his face next to mine in the dark.  smiling at me.  nuzzling in so contently.  seeing his eyes light up whenever i would go in for another kiss.  feeling his soft cheeks on my chest when we snuggled.  he is mine.  my baby.

it renewed my soul.  my heart is happy.  i am content. 

and my goal is to try to be present more often than not.  my boys need it, but in all reality, i need it more. 

mom guilt

i don't think anyone knows guilt until they're a mom.  seriously.

you're doing all that you can to build your dreams as a family, but feel defeated when plans go astray and you can't give your babies that yard they so desperately want.   guilt.

you want to have the upkept house, supper on the table, and happy kids.  instead there are toys, clothes, shoes, and dishes everywhere.  supper is a last minute "how about a pb&j sandwich and banana?" bribe.  all the while one kid is crying at your feet begging for a bottle and the other is throwing a tantrum because he wants chicken nuggets for the fourth night in a row.  guilt.

you have the day planned out perfectly of family time, only to have a meltdown followed by more crying and throwing a shoe at the little brother for invading his big brother's space.  ensue the irritated mom voice, which ultimately ensures more crying.  guilt.

these days i find my patience waring.  i find myself getting after james for things that is only natural to a toddler, especially for being a boy.  it's hard for him to understand that drew doesn't always want to be bear-hugged, jumped on, and that personal space goes both ways.  and it's even more hard for james to understand that now that drew is mobile, he is going to get into your toys, blankets, or heaven forbid, ernie. {meltdowns of the century, seriously.}

don't get me wrong, i am forever grateful that i have these two beautiful babes in my life.  so why do i lose my patience on these precious boys?  {insert guilt here.}  after they go to bed, they are already that much older, that much bigger, and that much closer to not needing me.  so why can't i remember these things when they are constantly tugging at me, asking why a million times, or raming their trike into every possible entity around the house? 

i need to remember that i'm doing all i can with what i've got.  at the end of the day, material wishes and wants will fade.  my boys will know that our tiny apartment is our home, full of love, even though grand dreams of a house with a yard are forever on my mind.  they know that i will drop everything to kiss their tears away.  they know their mama will snuggle and rock them before bedtime and check on them a million times after that.  and most of all, even though there are dishes lined up, my hair is in a pony, and diapers are waiting to be washed, they are loved.

 

Source: Diapers & Daisies

 

catch up

so it's been a crazy couple of weeks. 

not only did fall disappear in 2.5 seconds, and drew all of a sudden decided that crawling and pulling himself up was a grand idea, i started a new job.

and not just any new job...a job at UND. {insert heart exploding with excitement and fraulein maria twirling in the austrian hills here}

i struggled with the decision to move positions.  the stars literally aligned and the heavens parted...that's how this job came into play.  my {everyone's} lifecoach, renee, told me that where there is passion and purpose, profitability will be found.  well when you say it like that, it's a no brainer.

telling my boss jon that i was leaving was possibly one of the hardest things i have had to do.  that is, until i had to tell my cowoker/confidant/partner-in-crime diane.  keeping my mouth shut about this job opportunity was hard.  i tell diane everything.  i mean, i kept both of my pregnancies to a minimum until well into the 4th month for both boys.  and even then, i told diane the day after i found out about drew.  she knew before my mom, and that's kinda huge.

soooo, after that sob-fest, came the longest, yet shortest two weeks of my life.  i was so excited about the new opportunity at UND, yet sad to leave such a great group of people that i work with.  but to anyone who knows me, this move is definitely not a surprise.  it's a natural fit.

i get to work with students.  one on one.  i know that may not seem like much, but to me it's everything.  i won't bore you with why i needed to get back into education, but let's just say i followed my heart.  and for the first time, i can honestly say i'm finally starting to feel like this is where i need to be.

so there you have it folks.  we're all well.  we're all happy.  and we're all adjusting to a new normal and i couldn't be more happier.  and to tide you over, here are a few iphone pictures.  long story short, james lost my sd card for my camera.  he tells me we were playing hide & seek, but pretty sure he's the winner of this game, as the remote is well hidden too.  ah, the joys.



watch me, mama!

i am home.

a happy corner of my desk.
 

 

 

 

 

seasons of change

it's here. 

fall.

the crisp-air-shorter-days-scarf-wearing-hot-apple-cider-days are here.

i love me a good season change.  it's inevitable.  as much as i love summer and the hot, lazy days in the sun, picnics and park dates, sand volleyball, the lake...every good thing must come to an end. 

and although around here it can be super abrubt, change is good.  it gets overshadowed by the thoughts of pumpkin picking, sweatshirts, leaves changing colors, and little boys who never want to come inside to put on their jackets because it's just so much fun crunching around in the yard.

in north dakota, if you want the weather to change, just wait for roughly an hour.  it will. 

so we know its coming.  fall. 

change. 

a new begining.

Construction Overload

{a long, overdue recap of the big birthday bash.  a day full of w's: windblown, wheels, and wishes}

it was awesome. 

no, really.  it was really awesome.  i was in my prime.  i loved planning it, executing it, and seeing the smile on my boy's face.  i had to fight back tears when i stopped to realize how many people truly love him.  my boy.  my two year old.

james celebrated his day in true james fashion.  i asked him when we woke up what he wanted to do for his birthday, and he responded with dancing and shopping.  well, since those are clearly things i hate to do {ha!}, we set out for the farmer's market downtown.  between the puppies, {f}ire truck, and mooo-zik, he was in his element. 

and so we danced. 

see that awesome customized dump truck shirt? 

yep, this mama made it! :)

and not like 'go shorty, it's your birthday' kind of dancing.  it was more elaine-from-seinfeld kind of dancing.  throw in a chicken wing move and you have it down.  again, he was in his element.

from there we went shopping at the baby store, had a photo op in the park, and had an all time favorite lunch of mac & cheese. 

after pleading with him for a nap, james woke up refreshed and ready for his party.  daddy was home to get him ready, and i was off to decorate.  picnic tables were turned into roadways, construction trucks everywhere, and all sorts of goodies to eat.

construction goodies

i know, i know.  i promised a green bike.  however, there was a small glitch in that.  i did due diligence to my type a personality by reading reviews, finding the right bike and for which age group.  so i go ahead and ordered a green mini, because that's what they said for 2 year olds.  

then aaron was putting it together, and i noticed it looked more mini than i expected.  

then we held drew up to it. they weren't kidding when they said mini. 

now, i know i have monster children, but damn, it was mini!  i panicked and made a quick return for a regular, but they were out of the lime green bikes, so blue had to do.  as you can tell the regular bike fit juuuuusssstttt right :)

all in all it was awesome.  nothing like gale force winds and sand to make it a party, right?  thank you to everyone who made it a smashing success.  james loved every second of it, which fills my heart even more.  maybe enough to forget all of the annoying trucks with noise that he got as presents and continues to annoy me with...maybe.

two!

james-

you and drew are napping, so i thought i would take this rare quiet time to sit and write a little note to you. 

it is your second birthday, and i can't believe how awesome you are!  well, i can, because you have a GREAT resource of awesomeness {and it ain't your daddy!}  i always knew i wanted to be a mom, but from the time i saw the two pink lines, to your first ultrasound, to feeling your first kick, and then when i held you for the first time two years ago, i never fully understood what being a mom really was. 

you have accomplished and grown so much in just two years, and these days it seems as if you learn something new everyday.  i love watching you become an individual, trying new things, and be a sweetheart to everyone.  you are genuinely a sweet boy, and you take after your uncle mark and are the life of the party.  you not only look and act like him, you have his awesome personality and that makes my heart smile.  really smile.

in a few short hours, we will be in full swing of your awesome construction party.  you will have a ton of friends and family around, presents and cake everywhere, and two proud parents who won't be able to stop beaming.  so many people love you.  daddy and i love you.

two years ago at 4:45pm, a mama was born. thank you for making me a mama.

i love you.

love,
mama

six.

and then he was six.  six months.

how in the world did you get this old?  who is this smiley, strawberry blond, two bottom and one snaggle toothed six month old? 

drew, you are a total sweetheart.  you melt everyone with that huge smile of yours, and those bright eyes.  how could you not??  let's go over just a few stats of where you are at, at a mighty six months:

stats: n/a.  12-18 month clothes, so let's just chalk it up as you're a monster.
foods: loving all veggies and drinking 6 ounces of formula every 3 hours.
sleeping: all through the night since 10 weeks!  you finally learned how to fall asleep without a swaddle, and no more fighting me to fall asleep.  the 2.5 hours of {shushing/bouncing/crying} trying to fall asleep...well, basically sucked.
milestones: you love your tummy time.  hate sitting.  rolling anywhere and everywhere.  james especially loves when you sneak up on him when he's playing cars.  he laughs and screams, "dooo! you getting me!"  
favorites: your blankie.  sophie.
new things: cloth diapers. helmet. three chompers.
personality: laid back like daddy.  i'm gonna go ahead and appreciate it while you're little, but, don't even think about keeping it like your dad.  because quite honestly, i can hardly put up with just him.  i don't need two suuuuupppppeerrrrrrr slow, inable to tell time, laid back boys to make me late everywhere!  

most of all, drew, you make our family whole.  you taught me that my heart {and lap} is big enough for two boys.  you taught me that i am capable of a lot more than i thought i was.  you taught me that your mama bear knows when to trust her instincts, and will do all i can to do whats right for you and your brother.  thank you for being the apple of my eye.

i love you, drewbear!
love, mama

{sigh}. my heart.