bittersweet.

i miss him.  a lot.

as aaron, the boys, and i drove back home from letting our paper latern with two small handprints go to heaven to him, i told aaron that it honestly feels like it happened last year.  partially because i don't feel as if i'm 28.  but mostly because i can still see his smile, hear his laugh, and i'm in denial that its been nine years since those things actually happened.

they say time heals all things.  it doesn't.

however, time does have a way of making you remember the good things.  it overshadows the not-so-good things.  but honestly, time doesn't heal a damn thing.  the ache is always there.  it's even worse when there is a day to remind you that its there.

and to twist the heartache even more, is that you know the ache is there, but the whole world doesn't.  the world doesn't stop turning.  people don't stop living their normal lives.  and as much as you want everyone to stop what they're doing and remember, they don't.  they either don't know, or they forget.  but it's a very present thing in my life.  a dull ache in my heart that is usually full of joy, love, and hope most days.  

you never know when it's going to hit, either, those triggers.  you know the ones...the ones that make you laugh so hard you cry.  the ones where your heart swells from the happy memories.  and even the ones that make you stop you in your tracks, where you look for that peice of him, that memory.

and the dreams?  oh, so bittersweet.  seeing his face again.  but a harsh reminder of reality.  God knows right when i need that reminder, though.  when i tend to think that i'm forgetting, He knows how to remind me.  and i am eternally thankful for that.

a.a. milne had great insight:
'how lucky am i to have had something {so special} that makes saying goodbye to hard.'

so true.