mom guilt

i don't think anyone knows guilt until they're a mom.  seriously.

you're doing all that you can to build your dreams as a family, but feel defeated when plans go astray and you can't give your babies that yard they so desperately want.   guilt.

you want to have the upkept house, supper on the table, and happy kids.  instead there are toys, clothes, shoes, and dishes everywhere.  supper is a last minute "how about a pb&j sandwich and banana?" bribe.  all the while one kid is crying at your feet begging for a bottle and the other is throwing a tantrum because he wants chicken nuggets for the fourth night in a row.  guilt.

you have the day planned out perfectly of family time, only to have a meltdown followed by more crying and throwing a shoe at the little brother for invading his big brother's space.  ensue the irritated mom voice, which ultimately ensures more crying.  guilt.

these days i find my patience waring.  i find myself getting after james for things that is only natural to a toddler, especially for being a boy.  it's hard for him to understand that drew doesn't always want to be bear-hugged, jumped on, and that personal space goes both ways.  and it's even more hard for james to understand that now that drew is mobile, he is going to get into your toys, blankets, or heaven forbid, ernie. {meltdowns of the century, seriously.}

don't get me wrong, i am forever grateful that i have these two beautiful babes in my life.  so why do i lose my patience on these precious boys?  {insert guilt here.}  after they go to bed, they are already that much older, that much bigger, and that much closer to not needing me.  so why can't i remember these things when they are constantly tugging at me, asking why a million times, or raming their trike into every possible entity around the house? 

i need to remember that i'm doing all i can with what i've got.  at the end of the day, material wishes and wants will fade.  my boys will know that our tiny apartment is our home, full of love, even though grand dreams of a house with a yard are forever on my mind.  they know that i will drop everything to kiss their tears away.  they know their mama will snuggle and rock them before bedtime and check on them a million times after that.  and most of all, even though there are dishes lined up, my hair is in a pony, and diapers are waiting to be washed, they are loved.

 

Source: Diapers & Daisies

 

catch up

so it's been a crazy couple of weeks. 

not only did fall disappear in 2.5 seconds, and drew all of a sudden decided that crawling and pulling himself up was a grand idea, i started a new job.

and not just any new job...a job at UND. {insert heart exploding with excitement and fraulein maria twirling in the austrian hills here}

i struggled with the decision to move positions.  the stars literally aligned and the heavens parted...that's how this job came into play.  my {everyone's} lifecoach, renee, told me that where there is passion and purpose, profitability will be found.  well when you say it like that, it's a no brainer.

telling my boss jon that i was leaving was possibly one of the hardest things i have had to do.  that is, until i had to tell my cowoker/confidant/partner-in-crime diane.  keeping my mouth shut about this job opportunity was hard.  i tell diane everything.  i mean, i kept both of my pregnancies to a minimum until well into the 4th month for both boys.  and even then, i told diane the day after i found out about drew.  she knew before my mom, and that's kinda huge.

soooo, after that sob-fest, came the longest, yet shortest two weeks of my life.  i was so excited about the new opportunity at UND, yet sad to leave such a great group of people that i work with.  but to anyone who knows me, this move is definitely not a surprise.  it's a natural fit.

i get to work with students.  one on one.  i know that may not seem like much, but to me it's everything.  i won't bore you with why i needed to get back into education, but let's just say i followed my heart.  and for the first time, i can honestly say i'm finally starting to feel like this is where i need to be.

so there you have it folks.  we're all well.  we're all happy.  and we're all adjusting to a new normal and i couldn't be more happier.  and to tide you over, here are a few iphone pictures.  long story short, james lost my sd card for my camera.  he tells me we were playing hide & seek, but pretty sure he's the winner of this game, as the remote is well hidden too.  ah, the joys.



watch me, mama!

i am home.

a happy corner of my desk.