bittersweet.

i miss him.  a lot.

as aaron, the boys, and i drove back home from letting our paper latern with two small handprints go to heaven to him, i told aaron that it honestly feels like it happened last year.  partially because i don't feel as if i'm 28.  but mostly because i can still see his smile, hear his laugh, and i'm in denial that its been nine years since those things actually happened.

they say time heals all things.  it doesn't.

however, time does have a way of making you remember the good things.  it overshadows the not-so-good things.  but honestly, time doesn't heal a damn thing.  the ache is always there.  it's even worse when there is a day to remind you that its there.

and to twist the heartache even more, is that you know the ache is there, but the whole world doesn't.  the world doesn't stop turning.  people don't stop living their normal lives.  and as much as you want everyone to stop what they're doing and remember, they don't.  they either don't know, or they forget.  but it's a very present thing in my life.  a dull ache in my heart that is usually full of joy, love, and hope most days.  

you never know when it's going to hit, either, those triggers.  you know the ones...the ones that make you laugh so hard you cry.  the ones where your heart swells from the happy memories.  and even the ones that make you stop you in your tracks, where you look for that peice of him, that memory.

and the dreams?  oh, so bittersweet.  seeing his face again.  but a harsh reminder of reality.  God knows right when i need that reminder, though.  when i tend to think that i'm forgetting, He knows how to remind me.  and i am eternally thankful for that.

a.a. milne had great insight:
'how lucky am i to have had something {so special} that makes saying goodbye to hard.'

so true. 

whispers & love

at the end of the day, all that is left is love.

my heart is broken.  the events that transpired friday in connecticut, in sandy hook elementary, those precious lives.

i, like so many others, clung so dearly to my boys all weekend.  wept tears for the families who got that unbearable news.  tears for those mamas and daddys who are trying to make sense of this brutal act.  tears for those siblings who are trying to comprehend why a peice of them is missing.  because believe me, i've been that sibling.

i shut off the news friday.  i refused to watch or listen or comprehend anything that was going on.  not because i didn't care.  but because i was reeling as a mama myself.  i whispered all of their names over and over, because young or old, each of them have a mama.  and as a mama, i would want someone to continually whisper my boys' names, too.

at the end of the day, all that is left is love.  even through the tragedy, i know CT and everyone affected can feel the love that the nation is pouring.  primarily because we are just as numb as them, because we don't know what else to do besides love. 

as we move forward with our week, may we remember that 26 families' worlds are at a standstill.  they are going through the motions, but not living.  and they may not for awhile. 

continue to whisper their names.  each mama will hear and feel it.  they will know their baby was so incredibly loved, even if we had never met them. 

at the end of the day, all that is left is love.

tiny terrorists.

remember when i was all lovey dovey and professed my love of james being 23 months?  yeah, me too.

well, it was certainly short lived. 

i have now fully embraced what they call are the terrible twos.  and that is totally misleading.  terrible is a misnomer, actually.  it's not terrible.  it's more like terrifying.  torturous.  tantrumy.  a more accurate description is terroristic twos.  as in, who is this tiny terrorist and where did my sweet baby go?

allow for me to share a few revelations from this past weekend of holy terror.  the no napping, tantrumy, ohmygawdkillmenow whiny weekend. 

1. i firmly believe two year olds are on the bipolar spectrum.  seriously.  happy, sad, crying, smart-alecky, whiny, sweet, and snotty all rolled into 2 minutes.  repeat that for 14 long hours of the day.  i'd dare to say he is worse than a pregnant woman. 

2. i now know why mommys drink wine.  refer to #1 for explanation.

now, in all reality, our weekend wasn't so horrible.  we did some crafts, like putting up james' new felt christmas tree.  {thank you pinterest!}  james was a fan for about 3.5 seconds.  i had this great project envisioned, which turned into him crying and having a fit because he didn't want me to touch his "ris-mas".  now he has it decorated just right and shows people his "ris-mas", but he won't touch it again and will freakout if you go near it.  which stinks because it's on the wall by the door, which drew's car seat sits.  sigh.  you win some, you lose some.


mom also came for coffee and shopping.  james loves that, as do i.  nothing like getting spoiled than grandma coming to town.  plus, it was music class day, and everyone had a blast.  and i got the cleaning and most of the endless supply of laundry that always accumulates.  it's the small victories, folks.

 

let's just say, daycare was a sight for sore eyes this morning.  poor toddler room.  they have to deal with 6 of these tiny terrors.  all at the same time.  and they're not even their kids, so it's not like they can yell like mom's are allowed to do.  bless their hearts, because i know i couldn't do it. 

oh james, we're in for a wild ride together.  and just think, they say three is even worse.  

as you say in the car, "ho-ed on, oh-nee!"  {translation: hold on, ernie!}

happy monday, all!

being present

so, i know i slack on the blogging front. 

and when i think i have time to sit down and write, i just...don't.

we've been busy.  halloween came and went.  and although you've already seen everyone's adorable photos of their kids, a few weeks later, you are going to finally see mine!

october was fun.  we did the family pumpkin patch, took family photos, and trick or treated together.  family time rocks.  halloween included the most adorable figherfighter EVER, and a VERY ferocious lion.  i even made a mental note to be fully present.  not just there, but really there. 

i put the camera down.  i enjoyed the night.  yes, i totally took pictures, and i so desperately wanted to have pictures of them together, but i decided to snap the few monumental pictures and put the camera down. 

i was able to watch and see the excitement on james' face when he realized people were giving him treats.  just for being adorable.  drew really didn't want much to do with his {much too small, but much too adorable not to buy} lion costume.  {sorry kid, halloween at your age is more for your mama anyway!}  at the end of the night, my heart was full.  i was present.  and although james may not remember that, i sure will.

------

as sad as it seems, this morning was the first day that i really felt as if i have two kids.  i mean, it took all of 9 months, however, it didn't really sink in because we were just trying to keep afloat.  two under two is hard.  especially when you have a daddy who works a lot.  but at the same time, two under two is so incredibly awesome. 

i woke up early this morning {read: 5:00am}, and just laid in bed.  i heard drew stirring, but i silently ran through my busy day ahead, thinking he would roll over and go back to sleep.  then i heard him coo as i rolled over to look at him in his crib, and he let out the most heartfelt squeel, as if it's been days since he's seen me.

well, it's not like 5:00am is prime togetherness time, but something inside me said that i needed this.  i picked him up and out to the couch we went, laying in the dark.  that's when it hit me.  full of sleepy smiles, my drewbear snuggled up to me and gave me that much needed one on one time with him.  i was able to, again, be fully present.  not breaking him and james apart, while both cry.  not frantically making supper.  not juggling two kids, groceries, and diapers up the stairs. 

i was able to see his face next to mine in the dark.  smiling at me.  nuzzling in so contently.  seeing his eyes light up whenever i would go in for another kiss.  feeling his soft cheeks on my chest when we snuggled.  he is mine.  my baby.

it renewed my soul.  my heart is happy.  i am content. 

and my goal is to try to be present more often than not.  my boys need it, but in all reality, i need it more. 

mom guilt

i don't think anyone knows guilt until they're a mom.  seriously.

you're doing all that you can to build your dreams as a family, but feel defeated when plans go astray and you can't give your babies that yard they so desperately want.   guilt.

you want to have the upkept house, supper on the table, and happy kids.  instead there are toys, clothes, shoes, and dishes everywhere.  supper is a last minute "how about a pb&j sandwich and banana?" bribe.  all the while one kid is crying at your feet begging for a bottle and the other is throwing a tantrum because he wants chicken nuggets for the fourth night in a row.  guilt.

you have the day planned out perfectly of family time, only to have a meltdown followed by more crying and throwing a shoe at the little brother for invading his big brother's space.  ensue the irritated mom voice, which ultimately ensures more crying.  guilt.

these days i find my patience waring.  i find myself getting after james for things that is only natural to a toddler, especially for being a boy.  it's hard for him to understand that drew doesn't always want to be bear-hugged, jumped on, and that personal space goes both ways.  and it's even more hard for james to understand that now that drew is mobile, he is going to get into your toys, blankets, or heaven forbid, ernie. {meltdowns of the century, seriously.}

don't get me wrong, i am forever grateful that i have these two beautiful babes in my life.  so why do i lose my patience on these precious boys?  {insert guilt here.}  after they go to bed, they are already that much older, that much bigger, and that much closer to not needing me.  so why can't i remember these things when they are constantly tugging at me, asking why a million times, or raming their trike into every possible entity around the house? 

i need to remember that i'm doing all i can with what i've got.  at the end of the day, material wishes and wants will fade.  my boys will know that our tiny apartment is our home, full of love, even though grand dreams of a house with a yard are forever on my mind.  they know that i will drop everything to kiss their tears away.  they know their mama will snuggle and rock them before bedtime and check on them a million times after that.  and most of all, even though there are dishes lined up, my hair is in a pony, and diapers are waiting to be washed, they are loved.

 

Source: Diapers & Daisies

 

catch up

so it's been a crazy couple of weeks. 

not only did fall disappear in 2.5 seconds, and drew all of a sudden decided that crawling and pulling himself up was a grand idea, i started a new job.

and not just any new job...a job at UND. {insert heart exploding with excitement and fraulein maria twirling in the austrian hills here}

i struggled with the decision to move positions.  the stars literally aligned and the heavens parted...that's how this job came into play.  my {everyone's} lifecoach, renee, told me that where there is passion and purpose, profitability will be found.  well when you say it like that, it's a no brainer.

telling my boss jon that i was leaving was possibly one of the hardest things i have had to do.  that is, until i had to tell my cowoker/confidant/partner-in-crime diane.  keeping my mouth shut about this job opportunity was hard.  i tell diane everything.  i mean, i kept both of my pregnancies to a minimum until well into the 4th month for both boys.  and even then, i told diane the day after i found out about drew.  she knew before my mom, and that's kinda huge.

soooo, after that sob-fest, came the longest, yet shortest two weeks of my life.  i was so excited about the new opportunity at UND, yet sad to leave such a great group of people that i work with.  but to anyone who knows me, this move is definitely not a surprise.  it's a natural fit.

i get to work with students.  one on one.  i know that may not seem like much, but to me it's everything.  i won't bore you with why i needed to get back into education, but let's just say i followed my heart.  and for the first time, i can honestly say i'm finally starting to feel like this is where i need to be.

so there you have it folks.  we're all well.  we're all happy.  and we're all adjusting to a new normal and i couldn't be more happier.  and to tide you over, here are a few iphone pictures.  long story short, james lost my sd card for my camera.  he tells me we were playing hide & seek, but pretty sure he's the winner of this game, as the remote is well hidden too.  ah, the joys.



watch me, mama!

i am home.

a happy corner of my desk.
 

 

 

 

 

seasons of change

it's here. 

fall.

the crisp-air-shorter-days-scarf-wearing-hot-apple-cider-days are here.

i love me a good season change.  it's inevitable.  as much as i love summer and the hot, lazy days in the sun, picnics and park dates, sand volleyball, the lake...every good thing must come to an end. 

and although around here it can be super abrubt, change is good.  it gets overshadowed by the thoughts of pumpkin picking, sweatshirts, leaves changing colors, and little boys who never want to come inside to put on their jackets because it's just so much fun crunching around in the yard.

in north dakota, if you want the weather to change, just wait for roughly an hour.  it will. 

so we know its coming.  fall. 

change. 

a new begining.

Construction Overload

{a long, overdue recap of the big birthday bash.  a day full of w's: windblown, wheels, and wishes}

it was awesome. 

no, really.  it was really awesome.  i was in my prime.  i loved planning it, executing it, and seeing the smile on my boy's face.  i had to fight back tears when i stopped to realize how many people truly love him.  my boy.  my two year old.

james celebrated his day in true james fashion.  i asked him when we woke up what he wanted to do for his birthday, and he responded with dancing and shopping.  well, since those are clearly things i hate to do {ha!}, we set out for the farmer's market downtown.  between the puppies, {f}ire truck, and mooo-zik, he was in his element. 

and so we danced. 

see that awesome customized dump truck shirt? 

yep, this mama made it! :)

and not like 'go shorty, it's your birthday' kind of dancing.  it was more elaine-from-seinfeld kind of dancing.  throw in a chicken wing move and you have it down.  again, he was in his element.

from there we went shopping at the baby store, had a photo op in the park, and had an all time favorite lunch of mac & cheese. 

after pleading with him for a nap, james woke up refreshed and ready for his party.  daddy was home to get him ready, and i was off to decorate.  picnic tables were turned into roadways, construction trucks everywhere, and all sorts of goodies to eat.

construction goodies

i know, i know.  i promised a green bike.  however, there was a small glitch in that.  i did due diligence to my type a personality by reading reviews, finding the right bike and for which age group.  so i go ahead and ordered a green mini, because that's what they said for 2 year olds.  

then aaron was putting it together, and i noticed it looked more mini than i expected.  

then we held drew up to it. they weren't kidding when they said mini. 

now, i know i have monster children, but damn, it was mini!  i panicked and made a quick return for a regular, but they were out of the lime green bikes, so blue had to do.  as you can tell the regular bike fit juuuuusssstttt right :)

all in all it was awesome.  nothing like gale force winds and sand to make it a party, right?  thank you to everyone who made it a smashing success.  james loved every second of it, which fills my heart even more.  maybe enough to forget all of the annoying trucks with noise that he got as presents and continues to annoy me with...maybe.

two!

james-

you and drew are napping, so i thought i would take this rare quiet time to sit and write a little note to you. 

it is your second birthday, and i can't believe how awesome you are!  well, i can, because you have a GREAT resource of awesomeness {and it ain't your daddy!}  i always knew i wanted to be a mom, but from the time i saw the two pink lines, to your first ultrasound, to feeling your first kick, and then when i held you for the first time two years ago, i never fully understood what being a mom really was. 

you have accomplished and grown so much in just two years, and these days it seems as if you learn something new everyday.  i love watching you become an individual, trying new things, and be a sweetheart to everyone.  you are genuinely a sweet boy, and you take after your uncle mark and are the life of the party.  you not only look and act like him, you have his awesome personality and that makes my heart smile.  really smile.

in a few short hours, we will be in full swing of your awesome construction party.  you will have a ton of friends and family around, presents and cake everywhere, and two proud parents who won't be able to stop beaming.  so many people love you.  daddy and i love you.

two years ago at 4:45pm, a mama was born. thank you for making me a mama.

i love you.

love,
mama

six.

and then he was six.  six months.

how in the world did you get this old?  who is this smiley, strawberry blond, two bottom and one snaggle toothed six month old? 

drew, you are a total sweetheart.  you melt everyone with that huge smile of yours, and those bright eyes.  how could you not??  let's go over just a few stats of where you are at, at a mighty six months:

stats: n/a.  12-18 month clothes, so let's just chalk it up as you're a monster.
foods: loving all veggies and drinking 6 ounces of formula every 3 hours.
sleeping: all through the night since 10 weeks!  you finally learned how to fall asleep without a swaddle, and no more fighting me to fall asleep.  the 2.5 hours of {shushing/bouncing/crying} trying to fall asleep...well, basically sucked.
milestones: you love your tummy time.  hate sitting.  rolling anywhere and everywhere.  james especially loves when you sneak up on him when he's playing cars.  he laughs and screams, "dooo! you getting me!"  
favorites: your blankie.  sophie.
new things: cloth diapers. helmet. three chompers.
personality: laid back like daddy.  i'm gonna go ahead and appreciate it while you're little, but, don't even think about keeping it like your dad.  because quite honestly, i can hardly put up with just him.  i don't need two suuuuupppppeerrrrrrr slow, inable to tell time, laid back boys to make me late everywhere!  

most of all, drew, you make our family whole.  you taught me that my heart {and lap} is big enough for two boys.  you taught me that i am capable of a lot more than i thought i was.  you taught me that your mama bear knows when to trust her instincts, and will do all i can to do whats right for you and your brother.  thank you for being the apple of my eye.

i love you, drewbear!
love, mama

{sigh}. my heart.

time.

time, please stand still for a moment.

let me squeeze my babies just a little bit tighter.  longer.  and then some more after that.

my baby is turning two this week.  and that scares the bejeezus out of me.  i am absolutely in love with james being 23 months old.  he is so curious, so happy, and so incredibly sweet.  he loves drew.  he loves ernie.  he loves anything with wheels.  he’s asked for a green bike for his birthday.  and this mama is SO going to deliver!  {sidenote: james has also asked for a green puppy, but he will have to settle with his sweet green bike!} 

as exciting as every day is with him, i am a tad bit heartbroken when the day is done.  he is becoming more and more independent, and as much as that is so awesome and my heart fills with pride over that, it is completely bittersweet, too.  i know that it won’t be long before he doesn’t need me to help find ernie.  or that he doesn’t want me to kiss his owies.  or that he won’t need to hold my hand down the two flights of stairs every morning. 

i know i grumble and take for granted these sweet gestures, probably even daily.  however, in my reflecting of the last year, i have come to the conclusion that i don’t like this growing up business.  yes, i’m excited to see what james can accomplish and do in the next year, as i know he is going to be larger than life, i’m sure!  but as any mother can attest to, i’m sure, there is a tinge in my heart that also misses that sweet face that holds up both arms and asks, “hold you, mama?”

i didn’t feel this way when he turned one.  i mean, apart of me was sad and reflected, but not like now.  like with drew, i am excited and constantly amazed at the milestones that he is reaching.  but it seems as if after that first year, the milestones switch into high gear and they learn something new every day, instead of every month. 

my baby is going to be two.  and after a bit more self-wallowing, i will be ready to tackle the awesomeness {barring tantrums/attitude/general boyness} that is yet to come.  i just need to squeeze my baby just a little bit tighter.  longer.  and then some more after that. 

my {not so little} baby

a new journey

i'm starting a new journey.  a journey in blogging.  i want a place to ramble, think out loud, and most of all, preserve those precious memories of my boys growing up.

i have always been a writer.  i used to write in a journal everyday, and sadly i got out of the habit of writing five things i'm thankful for each day.  i am a much better writer than speaker.  and when i don't have the words to say, i find that when i put my pen to paper, the words seem to flow easier.  hopefully i will find that blogging will fill that void when i need to share how incredibly blessed i am.

lastly, i want to remember my boys little.  i find it sad that looking back at pictures, i forget so quickly at how little they once were.  everyone gets caught up in the mumble-jumble of life, and once you take a quick breather to reassess, you realize how much growth there has been.  i want to remember them little.